Writing gave me a chance to slow down and see the vulnerable parts of me that are so easy to bypass with the hustle of life. I owe it to myself to write and tell my story to whoever needs it to continue writing theirs.
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I BELIEVE THE PEN IS POWERFUL
BASED ON HOW I VIEW IT AS A SWORD
WHEN I ROMANCE THE PEN TO PAPER, IM BLEEDING MY THOUGHTS
ITS THERAPEUTIC TO MY SOUL
ITS ANOTHER WINDOW TO THROW OUT YOUR FEELINGS
WHILE CLEARING YOUR MIND AND CLEANSING YOUR SOUL.
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In the midst of my tears I looked at my bookshelf and there was my journal. I had not written in it in over a year. I started to resent my journal a bit. I only wanted to report good things about life, I didn't want my journal to be filled with sadness and misery, so I stopped writing it all together. The truth is I had been feeling sad, alone, and depressed for months; I WAS NOT OKAY, and I had been lying to myself about it. I am a mental health therapist for God sake.
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As a Black woman from the hood It is instilled in me to have strength, never show weakness and always look good. But these things are hard to maintain when you struggle mentally in silence. So on a day to day basis I constantly have to remind my self positive affirmations such as “you can make it, you got this, you’re smart, you’re strong.”
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I struggle with staying sane in a world full of insanity
A constant battle of staying in my own lane of vanity
Be humble they say, because pride is a killer
But I already survived the Jungle that kills, now my pride is a healer
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Life after football is when I discovered how bad my mental illness was. I battled clinical depression and didn't know it until I saw myself at an all-time low. Struggling with sleep and communicating with others; all the signs was there of me falling apart and not being myself. I ignored the signs for a while trying to tell myself I was okay but deep down inside I wasn't.
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When I started loving myself and making changes for myself to make myself feel good and not please others, I felt a shift in my life. Someone once told me, “when I met you, I was at a low point in my life but watching and being around you really taught me how to love myself and that was the first time I truly felt happy.”
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When we hear those words, “I battle with mental illness,” we often think crazy. I knew that I wasn’t crazy, I just knew I needed more. More of something to help me get through what I was going through. Where I am from mental health isn’t a cool topic of discussion; so unfortunately many of us are left fighting silent battles alone.
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