This Too Shall Pass

By Amethyst St. Thomas

I walked in the house early one morning after an intense workout, collapsed on my fluffy white rug, and burst into uncontrollable tears. Exercise had been a coping mechanism for months, it was consistent, and it was goal oriented. I was getting in shape to fit into a costume, and I needed to look good for my 28th birthday. Three times a week had not only been a regime, but a lifestyle. Well both events had passed, there were no more goals, and exercise as a form of coping was no longer enough.

I am a mental therapist who was having a mental health breakdown. I laid on the floor for what felt like hours. Thoughts of inadequacy, loneliness, and unbearable sadness fled my heart and my mind. I knew deep down that like everything else in life, this too shall pass, but in that moment, in the thickness of my tears, “this too shall pass” was just an overused ancient folklore and I was going to need something more than a sweaty workout, and a good cry. 

I began writing in journals when I was in the first grade. I used to write poems during class, often wandering into a fairytale life where the world was always at peace, and happily ever after blah blah blah. My grandmother gave me my first journal. She told me to write all my poems in it and one day I could publish it as a book. I still have that journal til this day. She kept buying me journals after that, so I used them for various reasons. I would write secrets, I would doodle about my childhood crushes, etc. In college it was my safe haven to process life alone in a city far away from home.

In the midst of my tears I looked at my bookshelf and there was my journal. I had not written in it in over a year. I started to resent my journal a bit. I only wanted to report good things about life, I didn't want my journal to be filled with sadness and misery, so I stopped writing it all together. The truth is I had been feeling sad, alone, and depressed for months; I WAS NOT OKAY, and I had been lying to myself about it. I am a mental health therapist for God sake. I am not supposed to feel like this. I know how to cope with stress, I know how to manage anxiety and depression.

Tuesday, May 31st will mark one year since my third, and probably one of my most traumatic car accidents. I suffered with anxiety for months, not really sure how to place it. It became embarrassing. I had full panic attacks in front of my friends and family, and couldn’t take the embarrassment anymore. I wanted to be okay, so I decided I was okay even when I wasn’t. I told myself, even if you are not okay in this moment, “this too shall pass”. To be honest, that was some bullshit, if anything it made me feel more alone. As emotions piled on, I packed them away too, and there I was almost a year later suffocating in all the emotions I chose to ignore.

I needed writing to cope. I had released every feeling, and emotion that had been suffocating me. I couldn't believe writing could feel so good. I mean I believed it, but I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to stay away from this for so long. I cried some more, and wrote some more. I now had clarity, I now felt empowered. I had been feeling alone with my thoughts for so long, but putting them on a page changed that. I wasn’t alone at all. 

I gave myself the permission to be authentic in everything I was feeling, good or bad. I release myself from the shame and guilt of not being okay. I acknowledged my need to pour into myself more than “usual.” When I closed my journal, and reached for my phone, both my friends Rasheeda and Ajamu texted me simply to wish me a good day. They poured light and love into me for no other reason than that just being who they are. They had no idea the morning I just had, and I am eternally grateful. I texted my business partner and friend Roshelle and asked her if she could take over the social media part of our business so I could disconnect from social media for a while. I was reminded that I was not alone, this was only the beginning and I was prepared for the journey ahead. The weight of my feelings no longer rested on my shoulders. I could breathe again. 

Mental Health Tips that continue to guide me:

1) Acknowledge the space you are in. If you are not okay, say it out loud, write it down, notice how your mood is impacting your day to day, or in any even given moment.

2) Give yourself permission to feel. Life is not supposed to be a roses and daisy 24/7. Having a funky feeling is okay. It's okay to not be okay. Honor both the good and bad feelings. 

3) Coping can be versatile, it's okay if your go to healing tools do not work all the time, you can revisit them later. Create a physical toolbox (could be a mason jar), and write small notes to self of things that can help you cope with stress. Pull out tools as needed. 

4) Lean on your support. Your feelings are never a burden within a true friendship. 

5) Remember that healing takes time, healing is not linear. Healing can look differently at different times in your life.