Death By Suicide

I’d been struggling with writing from a woman’s perspective about men and their experiences with mental health, especially Black men. Although I feel I have great insight considering I’m a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, significant other, and a friend to many Black men, I have not first-hand lived their experiences. I’ve only secondarily witnessed their traumas and experiences but have appreciated their vulnerability with me.

Recently, I was watching the popular television series “Snowfall “on FX by the late great John Singleton and during the episode a man committed suicide by hanging himself in his jail cell. I was instantly triggered and prompted to write for several different reasons.

1.    The recent news of the lynching of multiple Black men by the hands of the unknown a.k.a. racists

2.    Triggered because I know that Black men are prone to depression, anxiety, PTSD, trauma and other mental health related diagnosis

3.    Triggered because I know our men suffer in silence due to trust issues and lack of communication and other skills that would allow them to be vulnerable with others

4.    Triggered because the Black community feels as though suicide is taboo. Hey y’all! Our Black brothers and sisters are dealing with heavy sh*t and are seriously dying by suicide! We must talk about this!

5. Extremely triggered because all I could think about was Kalief.

Yes, exclamation points to my last statement because Mental Health and suicide is real and I need you all to develop some insight, compassion, empathy, and understand. By no means am I providing excuses for Black men but want to address these issues they are constantly faced with.

How often do you see a Black man openly express himself saying “I am going through something and I need your help?” How often do you notice Black men willing to be vulnerable or take the time out to elaborate or process things they have experienced or witnessed? Whether if it’s meant to abuse (all forms), share their experience as a victim or perpetrator or simply explore and process their difficulty as an employer and financial provider, making a way as a protector for their family, homies, and loved ones all while trying to develop purpose and passion in this crazy world, dodging bullets and batons.

I imagine there are a lot of Black men in our communities who lack the access, resources, and time to obtain a start to healing. I’ve been around my share of men who are overly expressive, very assertive and take their healing seriously. But I’ve also been around men who drown themselves in sex, drugs, alcohol, video games, materialistic things, activities, and everything under the sun to avoid dealing with the reality that they are not okay. Meanwhile, some men unfortunately don’t use either form of coping and ultimately end their lives by suicide. We may never know why it’s not okay!!!

“Black men are coddled, so they will never heal.”

“Black men are strong they don’t need to heal.”

“Black men, Black men, Black men…”

I’ve heard so many things that are to be true both negatively and positively about Black men. But what I know to be positively true is that they need the time, capacity, and space to properly heal…their feelings are valid and their experiences matter.

I recall going off (basically sharing my very strong opinion) on my brother and he stopped and asked me “does it matter how I feel?”

Then I recall the same experience with a male friend who I also went off on, essentially attacking his ego and decisions when really, I never took the time to explore the context as to the reasons why he was possibly making the decisions he was making. Not to mention how he felt about the outcome of many of his decisions I didn’t agree with.

I just always assumed that men were macho, strong, alpha men and they “should know better” when realistically they are all those things but still human beings with emotions and feelings that rarely get expressed! Again, no excuses for men as to any negative behaviors or for things that men should be held accountable for but rather an empathetic response and outward acknowledgment that Black Men Mental Health Matters. I sincerely am sorry if I ever made a man feel less than because of his difficulty with expressing himself or the lack thereof with someone he trusted.

As a woman who believes in having individuals narrate their own stories I asked several Black Men what do they do or feel is best to address their mental health in hopes to break the stigma and taboo in our communities, and normalize Black men improving their overall well-being.

Mental Note:

1)    Acknowledging you matter – It is essential for Black men to acknowledge and affirm that their lives, their health, and stability is just as important as any one else’s.

2)    Talk to someone you trust- Find someone you trust to confide in is not the easiest thing to do especially in our generation. But if you have just one person that you can let your hair down with…you do just that! There is healing in talking.

Note: If you aren’t comfortable speaking with anyone you know, seeking professional help is also best! Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255 if you are struggling with your mental health. You can remain anonymous.

3)    Develop personalized coping skills- Find something that you enjoy that does not require much other than you being present and in complete joy. Music, working out, fixing things, mindful games like chess, sports; anything that allows you to escape in peace. Do it!

4)    Self-care- Engage in things that make you feel good and maintains your self-esteem. It’s something about a haircut, a good meal, good company, a massage, and relaxation time that makes all the difference.

5)    Protect your peace – Watch what and who you interact with physically, mentally, and emotionally. If it’s no good for your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being then it isn’t good for you!

Note: Sex, drugs, and alcohol are the biggest contributing factors to depression in men that are used as negative coping skills. Definitely consume those things in moderation.

6)    Carry your pain with purpose- It’s no secret that men have a lot of pain rooted from years and years of systemic oppression. I highly encourage you to carry your pain with purpose, seek professional help as needed, and continue to stand true on your beliefs. You are needed, loved, and valued Kings more than you will ever know!

This blog is dedicated to all the Black men who suffer in silence. The men who wake up and so bravely overcome their obstacles. The men who are healing.  Men who want help, who aren’t as brave to seek help. The men who feel they have lost their way. The Black men who wake up everyday and try with every ounce of their being.

And to Kalief Browder, who died by suicide because of a corrupt ass judicial system that failed him. May you rest in peace.