Eternal Sunshine
Jhene Aiko’s “Eternal Sunshine” plays through my bluetooth speaker as I sit in my car in front of Starbucks preparing to study for the night. Damn, I think to myself, “I really lost my dawg.”
In 2019, I had experienced this state of being before. I sat in Starbucks excited, motivated, inspired and focused as ever as I studied for an important test that awaited me. I spiritually felt like I was on top of the world. I was mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially sound after just returning from an epic vacation in Cartagena, Colombia. Every goal that I was setting was being accomplished with hard work, patience, and God. I had no complaints.
Oh but God. Just as I sat in Starbucks I received a text from a good friend that Nipsey Hussle had just been shot. In that very moment my world literally stopped and I immediately prayed. I didn’t run to social media, call another person for confirmation or check the source. I prayed and prayed and prayed:
“God, whatever it is going on with what I am being told can’t be happening. God, whatever it is going on please cover and keep Nip. God we need him.”
I must have pleaded for all of 10 minutes as tears flowed. I had faith and my spirit told me that Nip was good!
After my prayer, I wiped my tears and proceeded with my highlighter and paper to finish what I was working on. Within the next 20 minutes, my phone continued to ring non-stop. A host of text messages rapidly came across the screen, “Rasheeda, I am so sorry.”
If you’ve ever experienced a loss then you should know how it is. My eyes welled with tears. A lump in my throat appeared and I just allowed my tears to flow! I screamed and felt a pit in my stomach. My body froze. F*CK!!!!
Lost, confused, hurt, sad, and a host of other emotions are what I experienced. I had cried myself to sleep for months over this loss! If you really, really, know me you would understand and if you don’t know me or ever experienced such grief I pray that you never have to experience it.
For a very long time I was physically, spiritually and emotionally sick. I grieved for so many reasons; for his parents, children, significant other, siblings, friends, our community. I grieved deeply for him because I knew how much more of life he had and how his contribution could have advanced our people. I then grieved deeply for myself because he was my display of hope in my world of very little.
I could write a dissertation but for the sake of this blog and your time, I won’t. The point I am trying to make is that the impact of loss and grief is real. It is important to develop ways to cope to not lose touch with reality. The loss of love, friendship, companionship, and/or family of anyone whom you’ve ever experienced a connection with hurts and it hurts deeply.
Truth is, death is inevitable. In life we will all have to leave this place eventually. I think how we lose people and when we lose them really makes a difference.
We lose people unexpectedly, through tragedy, and/ or trauma. We lose some people before they even get a chance at the greater joys of life or right when they are in their prime. It's the reality of us just wanting them to be with us forever that makes us question so many things.
Questioning our faith is a big thing. I had questioned not God but my faith for the losses I was taking. I was asking “why when I get through the process of one loss, here I am experiencing another one?”
Then, on August 19, 2021 my faith took another hit. I was summoned out of my sleep to say goodbye to my dear friend Godwin. Again, I was lost and confused but I had so much hope around his recovery. I was able to talk to him, pray for him, laugh and cry purposely “talking mess” because I just knew that he would be here for years and more memories to come. Unfortunately, that was our last moment together. He transitioned two days later, totally breaking my heart.
So here I am back in the same phases of grief that I just experienced two years ago. My heart hurts deeply. I lost a true friend. West Adams, Los Angeles lost a true pillar to their community. Another father, son, significant other, brother and inspiration to all, gone. Another beacon of hope who is no longer here. Godwin was our NIP (inspiring, motivational and a visionary).
Godwin, you were our legacy!
Random but necessary thought…
Over the last year, I have witnessed so many young men, women, and children lose their lives. I watched in person and online people who were impacted by the losses cry out, mourn and celebrate the lives of their loved ones in both joy and pain. If you have experienced a loss, I want you to know that my heart is with you and I pray for you.
I think it’s important that we hold each other up as a collective and pray for each other, show each other grace, compassion, love and provide a capacity to heal. We need it. I think it’s also important that we acknowledge what it means to grieve and discover healthy ways to cope as it is essential when experiencing such a tragedy.
Grief is a great sadness, especially after the death of someone.
In the grieving process, there are 5 emotional stages you may experience:
1. Denial - “I can’t believe this has happened.”
Here you may experience avoiding thinking about your loved one, confused, in disbelief or shocked.
2. Anger - “I am mad at you for leaving. I am mad at __ for taking my loved one away.”
Here you may experience anger, irritability, and very little patience for yourself and/or others.
3. Bargaining - “What if”
You may experience replaying “what if” scenarios in your head attempting to rationalize what you are experiencing to avoid reality and sadness of what is true.
4. Depression - is a part of your grieving process.
It is normal to experience intense sadness, difficulty sleeping, eating, and lacking motivation for a while. Mental Note: If this occurs for an extensive period of time 6 months or more, or you experience unwanted thoughts, and difficulty functioning please reach out for support.
5. Acceptance - You accept the reality of the loss.
However, this does not mean you are done in your healing. This is only the beginning of a forever journey.
One thing about the grieving process is that it comes in no order and your grieving process never really ends. Trust me. Although it never ends, positive coping skills will support you when you need them most.
Below are 6 Mental Notes that can help you with your grieving process:
1. Connect and restore/lean on your spiritual faith.
Being surrounded by prayer warriors, believers, and celebrators of life spiritually can be essential during your process.
2. Express and pace yourself.
Allow yourself to feel in whatever way for however long you need to. Cry, scream, be sad, angry...just be. Please hear me...just be.
3. Embrace memories.
This is key. Hold dear to your heart the memories you shared with your loved ones. Especially if there are fond memories. However, if the memories are not the best I encourage you to seek deeper understanding and healing with someone who can support you in this process.
4. Change the narrative of death/dying.
Although grieving often appears as sad in some cultures around the world, the transition of life is to be celebrated in joy and smiles. Others believe their loved ones are in a better place free of pain and suffering. Adopting this narrative may alleviate stress, pain, and sorrow.
5. Surround yourself with support.
Everyone will make an effort to offer support and love. Be sure to embrace it when you are ready from those you know who mean you well. There are also support and healing groups and therapy specific to your grief and loss.
6. Write. Write. Write.
Not everyone enjoys writing but because this is a writing blog and writing is my main way of coping I encourage it here. Write a letter to your loved one as though they are still here. It brings me great joy and peace. I encourage you to please try it.
As for me, I have some work to do. I am working on restoring my faith. No confusion, God, I still trust you :)
This blog is dedicated to those who I have lost over the years. Special mention to: Ramone Humphrey, Derek Porter, Trayvonnie Odom, Deontra Phillps, Christopher Woolridge, Ryan Givens, My daddy Abdul-Latif Tawfiq, Ermias Asghedom, and my dear friend Godwin Thurton.
May you all rest in eternal peace.
Below comment ways you experience/cope with loss and/or grieve a loved one. What are some helpful ways that may be useful for others?